At this moment I have a very disconnected prayer life, or at least it feels that way. There are days when I feel like my spirit has connected with my Heavenly Father. I feel His presence as I bring my requests to Him and express to Him all my praise, thanksgiving and love for His word. I enjoy being in His throne room as I approach with boldness through the access provided to my by the death of His Son Jesus. But recently I have not experienced that type of moment in my prayer life.
This morning while I was praying it didn’t happen. I spent most of my time thinking of things that are going on in my life. I also spent a lot of time thinking about other things that are not a part of my life but are just things I remember seeing or hearing about. I don’t very much time praying and certainly don’t spend any time listening. I would have to say that it is a product of how effort I put into my prayer time. I don’t really have a whole lot of time alone to spend alone with God when I am not really tired.
I have lots of excuses. None of which holds any water. I know I need to spend more time talking to my Lord and spend even more time listening to my Lord. Because when I do pray it seems that I am doing most of the talking, at least when I am not letting my mind wander about other things. I cannot get my brain to settle down and wait on the Lord. How could always be so selfish? If I claim to love Him and believe in Him and believe that He can overcome all that is troubling me then why does my prayer life seem so empty? It certainly is one-sided and that is the earthly side, not the heavenly side.
I need to learn to discipline myself into being more focused. People tell me that I don’t seem to worry about much, and I don’t because deep down my Heavenly Father has a plan. I don’t lose sleep over problems that will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I don’t think any earthly issue is worth losing sleep over. But I also do not spend a sleepless night praying for spiritual issues like I should. I have never “grabbed the horns of the altar” as I prayed over some situation that needed to laid before God.
I suppose it also has to do with what happens when I get closer to God in my prayer. I see the amount of filth I have allowed to accumulate, and I see how pitiful and pathetic I am before Him. And I also see all that is wrong with this world and especially the superficiality of the church at times. I don’t see what I ought to see, especially from me, and I ache over how flippant we can become towards the One who set us free. But that is where I want to be because I want this blog to be an outpouring of a close relationship I have with my Lord and Savior.