Today is a day for a confessional from the founder and author of this website. I write a lot about people who are embracing sin and a lifestyle of sin, and how it doesn’t matter that they are sinning (or refuse to see what they are doing as sin), God should see how earnest and genuine and how doing what they do makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside. Today, I am going to write a brief autobiography and expose to anyone who visits my webpage that I have escaped from a deep pit of sin that I did not believe that I would ever escape from it. There are times when I feel like I am on the edge of the escarpment with only a nudge from Satan needed to push me back in. But, with all praise and thanksgiving to my Lord and the Holy Spirit, I have been kept from falling into the pit of sin again.
I was exposed to pornography at an early age. My friends and I stumbled upon a secret stash of dirty magazines when I was around 8 years old. Of course, I didn’t understand the full impact of what I was really looking at but we all fanned through the pages. Little did I realize a dirty little seed had been planted and would soon germinate and grow into an entangling weed that had roots and tentacles growing into all parts of my body. I was hooked. It wasn’t until later on in a few years I again found another stash, only this one I had easier access to. The other one had been moved somewhere else. It was the beginning of a terribly damaging relationship that took years to break off.
I was haunted by pornography for twenty plus years, possibly even thirty. The worst part of that time was from my twenties until I was divorced in my mid-thirties. The reason is I discovered internet porn in the 90’s. As part of the college I went to I received a laptop and I had unrestricted access. It was an ongoing war. There were lots of battles that were waged, and I lost most of them. The devil knew how to knock me down and it wasn’t too difficult to do so. He knew right where to hit me and I would be down for a while. There were times of victory but the sweet taste didn’t last because I would take the credit and not give God the credit. Those were dark days of spending money on phone sex, DVD rentals, magazines, and videos on line. Just when I had thought I had it licked Satan would sucker-punch me again and down I would go.
The problem was, I was making excuses for my addiction to porn. I would always explain it away or make up some reason as to why I needed to indulge my desire to look at porn. But that is all they were in the end, empty justification for my wanton desire to sin. It wasn’t until I ended up divorced that I decided to give the fighting the war on my own and turn it over to the Commander of the armies of heaven that I was able to win the war. I had to admit that I was sinning and not really doing much to remove any temptation to sin. I liked it and wanted to keep doing it. But it was wrong. I had prayed many times for victory over my sin addiction but I don’t think I really wanted to stop. It was when I found myself in the deepest darkness of the hole I had dug that I gave up the fight and gave it to Jesus.
I was in vicious revolving cycle of sin. I was on the merry-go-round, sitting on the horse, sometimes I would rise up and sometimes I would sink down. It wasn’t until I jumped off the ride that I was able to stop the cycle, well, not me but with the power that only comes through Jesus and His victory over sin.
Jeremiah says that above all things, the heart is deceitful. The kinds of sin where feelings are involved are the hardest sins to break from. When feelings are involved we more likely to make excuses to continue on and tell others that it was their problem in their inability to accept my desire to stay in my sin. They had the problem, not me. I had to understand that Jesus needed my heart and my mind and my soul and my strength, all of it, not just the tiny amount I wanted to give. I had to understand that God would never alter His view of sin because or how I liked doing it. The most difficult part of any disagreement is for the side that is completely in the wrong to admit that they are completely in the wrong, and to be willing to see it from right side of issue. This is what we need to do when we are intentionally indulging sin, desire God to overlook our disobedience, and realize that He never will because we are the problem, not Him.
Our Lord will never change and we will never change until we surrender and allow Him to change us. I had to recognize that I was in the wrong and then allow Him to begin the process of change in me. We can continue in our sin and tell everyone else that they don’t understand and make up any justification we want but it will always be sin because that is how the Father will see it. Our feelings or thoughts do not matter where sin is concerned, only God’s opinion does.